We made eye contact while crossing paths on a hike at Bryce Canyon.
We kept the eye contact for a bit longer than normal. You smiled at me. I smiled back.
And then we went on our merry way, opposite directions on the hiking trail.
It happened just like that. In the blink of an eye (pun intended), the spark of possibility again. Something I wasn’t expecting nor desired since the breakup five months ago.
A couple days later, you and I crossed paths again at the top of Angel’s Landing in Zion. We actually spoke to each other this time and exchanged some laughs. You were with your brother. I was with my cousins and brother. We ran into each other again at the Narrows later that day.
What you don’t know is that before the Narrows, I secretly made a pact to myself that if I saw you a third time, I would ask for your number. If anything, it was a way to hold myself accountable for being brave, for taking a chance in life, for putting myself out there, for not letting opportunities pass me.
And so, I put my big girl pants on, made sure I wasn’t peeing in them, and I asked for your number.
You gave it to me with a smile and said, “I would’ve asked for your number if we didn’t live in two different cities/states.” I smiled. I also froze.
I wanted to say something witty, cute, and clever… but I couldn’t come up with anything… I just smiled and said thanks for giving me your number and I wished you had an awesome hike in the Narrows.
Smack me. I wish I had said, “We can be friends and go from there”.
I texted you later that day to see if you had plans that evening – maybe you and your brother would be interested in playing board games with us. No response.
And I texted the next morning to follow-up on another hiking trail we had spoken about. No response.
There was definitely little to no service in the Canyon.
Maybe you didn’t get my texts. Maybe you dropped your phone in the Narrows (it’s a long river hike). Maybe you already have a girlfriend. Maybe you don’t think it would ever work out since we live so far away from each other. Maybe you’re not that into me. Maybe it’s me – maybe I’m the problem. And maybe that’s where I need to stop my thought train.
It’s important, and healthy, to ground myself and remind myself of the reality of the situation. There are so many reasons why you didn’t responded to my texts. However, it’s not healthy to start listing reasons that tear me down, discount my worth, or minimize who I am. That’s where I need to stop.
It’s been 5 days… and you haven’t responded.
So what are my choices? What are my lessons?
Lesson 1: I have a choice to make.
I can dwell, ruminate, pick apart every sentence we exchanged to figure out what went wrong or I can focus on facts and focus on possibilities that have nothing to do with who I am and my worth.
Fact: I was brave enough to let down my guard and show you that I’m interested.
Fact: I am making progress with my vulnerability.
Fact: You gave me your number.
Possibility: You may be going through your own things and stuff in your life that has nothing to do with me.
Possibility: You may not be ready for anything, including a friendship. And this is all okay.
Lesson 2: There’s no room for the past in the present.
It’s been five months since my ex broke up with me. I haven’t been open to the idea of dating or even interested in getting to know anyone new. I’m going through my own heartache. I’m going through my own healing work. I’m sorting through my issues with negative thoughts.
And all of this has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with me.
I cannot allow his words to be your words too. Just because he didn’t want to be with me because of “my problems” doesn’t mean you are saying the same thing by not responding. Projection is a real thing, even inadvertently. And I am definitely projecting here.
If I tell myself that you haven’t responded to me because I have so many problems and that it’s good that you dodged this bullet (me!)… I’m projecting my ex’s thoughts onto you. And that’s not fair to you.
Healing doesn’t mean you never fall into traps, healing is recognizing when you fall into these behaviors of negative self-talk and projects…and habits that don’t serve you. And then pulling yourself out. I need to recognize when I am doing something unhealthy and pull myself out of that place.
Lesson 3: I have lots of options. And I have the option to reframe my thoughts towards an abundant mindset not scarcity mindset. Maybe even a creative mindset.
Unlike traditional missed connections when someone doesn’t have a name or even the phone number of this “someone” they locked eyes with on the train or on the plane or at the grocery store, I have your full name (first and last), I know where you work, and I have your number (unless you gave me the wrong number!). I can call you. I can easily pick up the phone right now and press “call”. I can also email you. I can even surprise you at work (that last one might actually be creepy and stalker-ish). We won’t go there… but my point is there are lots of options – including the option to know that there are a world of other people out there who will respond to my texts.
Let’s get back to the option of: I can call you. I haven’t yet though. The real question is why haven’t I called you or why do I not want to call you?
Because I’m afraid of rejection. Aren’t we all afraid of rejection to some degree?
My defense: I’ve already been “rejected” twice – from not getting a response to my two texts. Why would I put myself through getting rejected a third time by calling you.
My rebuttal: Maybe you haven’t rejected me because you didn’t even get my texts. So maybe I should call? Nahhhhh. For now, I’m not ready to call…. So instead, I’m blogging.
Part of me hopes that maybe this blog post will somehow cross your path. You’ll realize that to me, you are this awesome person that made me feel special, made me feel seen….. made me feel something again. You’ll realize that I’m interested and maybe it will prompt you to reach out. But the problem here is, I’m waiting for you to make a move.
I’m putting my worth in your hands. I’m waiting for you to do something. And what I’m really saying is, “only if you do something first, then I’ll do something”. And that’s not fair to either one of us.
My brother reminded me: there are not many opportunities in life where two people are mutually interested in each other (however little or big that interest level is)… and when that rare instance happens, you gotta do your best to put yourself out there.
Lesson 4: Put yourself out there.
It’s hard. It’s scary. There’s a lot of rejection that can happen when you put yourself out there. There’s a lot of doubt. There’s a huge chance that you’ll feel discouraged, not enough, and that you are “too much” for someone. Put yourself out there anyways. I know it’s easier said than done. But I’m writing it down as a lesson anyways! If not you, then at least it’ll be a reminder and hopefully a lesson that I learn in time. I mean, hey…. I asked him for his number, didn’t I?! I put myself out there!
Maybe I’ll call him. Maybe I’ll work the nerve up to call him.
Or maybe I’ll leave this experience as a modern day missed connection. Whatever flows, flows right? Let’s not force things, right? What’s most important is to be grateful for what I’ve received and what I’ve learned.
I’m thankful that you smiled at me, that you made eye contact with me, that you helped me realize that I still can be interested in someone new. and that I can be interesting to someone else, that I still have hope in myself – hope for good people – hope in love – hope for a good life, that I can still catch someone’s eye, that I can still find a spark with someone, and mostly I’m thankful for you coming into my life so that I have an opportunity to be brave. You made it safe to be brave.
Thank you, Brad (that’s not your name, but you said a lot of people call you that because they don’t pay attention to what your real name is). People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. You gave me four meaningful reasons. Thank you.
Cheers to connections… and modern-day missed connections.